Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Shock

I had an appointment for today with my former consultant or the "accuser", because he had to sign a paper for me.
Somehow I felt the urge to head into an other building on campus I hadn't been in for a long time. I don't know why I wanted to get inside, but I obeyed.
I wish I could turn back time, back where I was in BI. Or even the time before.
It happened so many years ago... Though I hated university I had friends. Those friendships were mostly periodical. It wasn't easy to have more semesters together. We were happy when we met somehow later. Some of the friendships lasted, some didn't.

I think I was junior that year when I first met him. We didn't only have one class together, like usual, but at least one every day. Not for one semester, however the following ones weren't as intense as the first was. But we remained friends. We still called each other and wrote emails to each other. Around absolution we both put on the harder life: working and studying at the same time. Slowly the time of phone calls was over, emails came less frequent until they ceased for ever. Literally.  
Last fall, when I was at home alone, I tried to catch up with some of these friends. I wanted to know, they were doing well and to maintain our friendship if that was possible. But he never answered either the calls or the text / email messages. I felt so odd. I couldn't imagine why he ignored me.

To continue the story from today, I went into this building. Memories of classes, exams and lovely people came into my mind. Actually I wished I could have met any of them! I was so sentimental. But the floor was empty. No one came. And I am thankful for that.
On the bulletin board I saw a paper, an invitation to a conference which took place three months ago! My first thought was how crazy this was. Why isn't this board updated? It could have been because of me. For me to know the truth. The conference was given "in loving memory" of X.Y.
X.Y. - who can he be? Both names are ordinary names used quite often. Just during my studies I got to know three men wearing this name. But this is also my friend's name. No, it's just can't be. If it says "in loving memory" he has to be dead. But this is simply impossible! He is my age!
I was shocked. Tears gathered in my eyes.. What if?

I couldn't wait to get home. And I started to google. Since he had his own website, I found him easily. But it expired. Why didn't he update it?
I didn't need to browse much longer until I found the kind of evidence I needed. The past, his silence made suddenly sense. By the time I tried to contact him, he was already gone. He didn't ignore me. I was too late.

I wish I could meet him once more. I want to hug him and tell him how sorry I am, that I wasn't there for him, when he needed a friend. That I will never forget him...
If I will ever learn how it happened? I wonder...

My favorite picture of him (21/22 yrs). 

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