Friday, December 9, 2011

Hurt

It's the eve of my birthday. The last day I'm 27 years old.
I looked into the mirror, I looked at my reflection and whispered the number 27. I felt old and empty. I thought of my legacy I would leave behind if God wanted me to stand face to face in His presence. Nothing notable came into my mind. I couldn't chalk up anything important, I haven't been able to earn my degree (or at least to write my two thesis), I couldn't stand on my own feet (I haven't found a new job since September), usually my dreams don't come true and often I feel misunderstood and alone.
When my parents are at home, they like to watch me - observing everything I do, to know every little secret about me and it's so hard to find the time for God... when they aren't near me and they aren't louder my earplugs could protect. I get farther and farther from God. I know He is disappointed when He sees me getting away from Him. Prayer is all what left. Bible reading and studying it is almost impossible in this house. About a week ago when Dad caught me on studying 1 John (I was coloring key words), he gave me the "look" and asked why I didn't work on my thesis instead of this foolishness. (Btw. I'm afraid of going to church or have more (serious) ministry there (like helping out in Sunday school etc.) because "it takes too much time from more important things"...)

Just right now when having supper in the kitchen we were talking about my dog. I said something my father didn't like. (Mom told she would cook a bone for my dog because it helps to remove plaque and I replied this would be the perfect birthday present for him. Arthur will be 10 years old next week.) So Dad said he doubted I would ever grow up and he wondered why I mentally "remained" like a four years old child. Mom looked at him and asked "a four years old? She's sometimes even worse..."
I looked into their eyes... they were so serious! I don't know what's wrong with me in their eyes.
But I guess it's better that there's something they don't know about. I like to do handstand when I'm studying and I need more blood in my head. Now my right foot (heel) fouled into my chair - I kicked it over, I lost my swing then my balance and before a handstand "could have been born", my arms buckled up and I landed on my head and left shoulder. I did something memorable. My whole left arm hurts... thank God it's not broken but a bit faint. The chair is made from iron and I have a nice little knob on my right heel too. And still these don't hurt as much as my parents' words do.

1 comment:

  1. Szia Drága Magdim!:)

    Csak akartam írni, hogy imádkozom érted és a szüleidért! Merj bátor lenni az Úrért és kilépni! Merj szolgálni neki és használni azt, amit tanultál a Biblasuliban! :)
    szeretlek és tényleg gondolok rád!:)

    ReplyDelete